I have now added a commenting script, BlogOut1.4. Now maybe I'll do some blogging... nahhh.

Does anyone know of commenting services that are still accepting new people?... my blogback, or whatever it was, stopped working a LONG time ago.

Rants a-brewin':
1. The idiotocity of moving the lawn the first week of april in CNY.
2. Some Colgate students never seem to learn their lesson.
3. MTVs spring break coverage makes me fear the lack of morality for our entire generation.

More later... 41

And my world comes crashing down.....

66

Oh yeah, in case you haven't heard, I did develop a serious addiction/dependancy on nutella these past two weeks. As previously stated: "nutella is holding my soul together." This addiction (translate: consumption of said chocolatey, nuty goodness in LARGE quantities) will cease on Saturday. I promiss. M will go to the gym dammit!

Yes, I know it's been a while. And I have actually been doing alot of personal writting during this hectic final days of the semester. And for the first time this semester, I've really had to censor myself, to the point of not being able to post anything. Maybe over break, I'll put up some retroactive posts, but I just need to think about a few things rightnow, before they are thrust out into public knowledge, even cyrptically.

Right now, I am feeling so much, and yet so terrible little. I wish I had someone to share it with. But I don't. I'll leave it at that.

So, the hell that is finals week, and this semester is almost over. 13 hours in this semester and 157 til I get to run down the hill, clad in black, drunk off my ass. Again, I will miss leaving campus. I've gotten so used to CNY, especially since I've only left the county once in the past 120 days (we moved in with 270 days remaining on the grand count-down) and that was to go to Syracuse to see a play for class and that doesn't count. But I really will miss all of my Colgate friends. 5 long weeks away. Really, you are all invited to visit me in Boston, if you have the time. I do miss Boston, my puppy (who will put more scares on me when he sees me, he probably thinks I died or something), my shitty just-above-minimum wage job, traffic jams and road rage. There will be much drinking, skiing, concert-going, and possible frostbitting with the exs (my only entertainment in Boston). My best friend at home moves to Florida soon. At least I'll have an excuse to go someplace warm during spring break (which reminds me... AIRLINE TIXS). I really do need the break, but almost wish I was only going home for a week or so, then coming back here to hang out with the Colgate gang for a month without the burden of classes. Of well, I girl can dream can't she.

So the finals is almost over. Shakespeare is done. I will not recover enough to read another Shakespeare play for 10 years. But that course is over. I got a solid B on the last paper, and don't think I did that badly on the final (predicting low C to high D). But, did I say that it's over? So now to optic... Somehow I managed to school the last exam we took. It took me 7 semester to figure out how to rule on an exam. I started that exam last minute, so I'm starting the final last minute too, like I had a choice, but anyways. Like said, it will all be done in 13 hours or so, and then there will be much drinking, cleaning, hanging out, packing and driving home, where the hibernation shall commence.

Okay enough procrastination.

I just can't put it in words... I've tried for a week now and I just can't.

My bubble got burst. And it seems like I don't have anything to hold on to. Everyone too busy, everyone has their own lives. All this talk of Colgate being home: my jury is still out. With the exception of a few close friends, I just don't know anymore. And I'm even having problems defining those few. And so the countdown continues. 174 until I can live life. I used to say until I can have my life back, but somehow that doesn't fit anymore. I don't know if I ever had a life, my own life.

So it's all about facades and putting up one convincing enough to fool myself so that I can get through the next three weeks. For some reason I'm skeptical that it will be effective.

"Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell... What is it in me that refuses to believe this isn't easier than the real thing.. am I in heaven here, or am I in hell, at the crossroads I am standing." - Sarah McLachlan

I don't want to be strong anymore. Rather I don't want to NEED to be strong anymore. Outward appearances aside, I'm just very frustrated at the moment. Took me three hours to get out of bed this morning, that never happens to me. I'm just fed up with getting the short end of the stick. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Part of the problem is that I'm still so in the dark... and craving that human connection.

I can't put it in words right now... definitely not written words, and barely spoken ones. I just can't converse with the computer at the moment; I need that human connection.

This pretty much sums it up:
"Hope is a dangerous thing." - Shawshank Redemption

And then I amazed myself and worked through it. Metaphorical test passed. Mission successful so far. Suck the D admin.