2:22PM EDT
Happy Equinox!

Mundane:
Finally I got the links inside my blogs to work, but this funky blogger html is confusing me.
Cleaning/vacuuming done, m fed, ASM prep work done, transcripts requested, bills paid, Wilbur watered, beer bottles washed, blog fixed. I haven’t decided if I’ve been really productive this morning or creatively procrastinating. You decide.

Two Rants: (Ignore if you’re not a Colgate student)
1. The new UPS electronic system at the coop. Has anyone else noticed that the package line is exponentially longer now. Further, when webmail went down with the Nimda virus this week, email notifications weren’t sent out and there were not paper slips in your mailbox anymore. They held my contacts hostage for four days! And this is painful mind you seeing that I had to make 2 week disposable contacts last 7.4 weeks. But nonetheless, it takes the mailroom people five minutes per package to figure out how to use the little digital signing machine. Just let me sign the clipboard like before!

2. Dammit, I forgot. And I had three rants to begin with too. No worries, I’m sure I’ll remember sometime. Oh yeah: Sushi at the coop. You know the “good to go” section. There are some things they just shouldn’t attempt; Sushi is one of them. And bring back by turkey clubs!

Sacredness:
Religion majors are cool. There is just something about taking religion courses that opens your eyes to the world. Unfortunately I am not a religion major {grumbles about f*cking physics} but I did burn my electives this summer and took a few religion courses at BU this summer. I am kicking myself for having not brought my eastern religion books out to school with me, for I have an overwhelming urge to re-read the Bhagavad-Gita at the moment. But this is why I have religion major friends. And I stumbled into a friend last night who is a prospective religion major. Good conversation ensued. I enjoy discussing religion, MOST of the time. (one day I have to start telling my bible thumpers stories) Anyways my night rocked: show went swimmingly, still saw Wood’s Tea, beer, good friends, good convo! Why am I telling you this? Because an idea came up that has been cooking in my head for the last 12 hours.

Yes, I’m getting to the point….

So sacredness: The context is discussing the implications of doctrine and lack of doctrine in Western and Eastern religions respectively. What came out of that was that only nature is sacred. At first I agreed with this without reservation, but it was late. I think the concept cooked in my head overnight. Come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve ever really contemplated what is sacred through my eyes. I have done a lot of introspection into my own spirituality over the past three years or so, but I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and thought about sacredness. Keep in mind that this is a perspective that has fully matured in my mind yet, nonetheless, I’m beginning to think that the original statement that only nature is sacred needs amending.

Is all nature sacred? What do we mean by nature. Can that be termed as virgin land/space, or do gardens or other man-sculpted landscaping qualify? Or are we talking about nature in the sense of a governing force over the world/universe in which we live? Does this nature include man? On the flip side: is something that has been polluted or otherwise spoiled by man unable to be sacred? Does man’s presence simply negate this sacred quality or does it depend on the intent of the man?

I think I have many more questions than answers to this thought problem. I am, however, leaning towards defining nature (if it even should be defined) as the governing force. The string that holds everything together. That defines the laws of physics and creates phenonmenon. That provides both order, as is the case recently, disorder amongst the mundane. That ineffable concept that makes this work/happen/be. I think that it’s partially this ineffability that helps make nature sacred. Hmmm…. Feel free to chime in here.

So this leads me to the next question (even though I haven’t answered the first): how well can we understand sacredness? Does understanding it negate it? Can it be comprehended, or is it more like Schroedinger’s cat.

Appropriate concept to ponder on the equinox.
2:59PM

12:26AM EDT
Jesse's blog got me thinking:
I've jumped on the denial band wagon. I've stopped watching the news. At the moment I'm thinking that I'll deal with it when war does break out. … Actually, come to think of it, I believe I need to investigate more about this perspective. But too tired right now, production week does that to ya. I shall ponder and get around to it soon. Yes, there will be more blogs of depth from me, once the quota of sleep has been attained that is.

Perplexing issue of the moment: does anyone know how to get my links, inside my blogs to work. My coding is failing me! (I think the div class thing might be messing me up)
12:33AM

12:33AM EDT
Too tired to be Cohesive:
Okay so the paper didn’t get done. I decided sleep was more important. I think it was a wise choice. I’ll write the paper for next week instead. The important part is that I’m still sane… the paper might have changed that.

Sleep was good, even though I’ve felt rather funky today from a combination of still being somewhat drained from the past week or so and some food issues. Yet again this year I’ve managed to find coop food that makes me violently ill. I’m beginning to think that “good to go” has another meaning. Then there was dinner, I’m just not gonna go there.

Another random tidbit: never let your stage manager drink two cans of Mt. Dew right before tech. He skitzed. Very bad idea.

Yes I am especially boring today. Maybe I’ll have more insight tomorrow. Maybe I’m still digesting what some people have said in their blogs. But what is guaranteed is that I will have more reading. Strangely enough it feels like the “normal” routine is back, yet it’s not. I’m not making any sense. Did I also mention that 6 weeks is a little much to push 2 week disposable contacts? I need sleep now.

Looking forward: is there anything interesting going on this weekend?
12:39PM EDT

12:05AM EDT
Revenge of the Dew:
Okay, so I’m beginning to get somewhat productive. Probably most productive action today (other than blogging of course) was to redeem my Tops Raincheck for 5 cheap cases of diet Mt. Dew. Man do I love that shit! It eats my intestines from the inside out but I love it. It definitely can substitute for other sustenance… well almost. I told myself I wasn’t having dinner until I finished half of my problem set, which took considerable longer than I expected. So when I stood up to get dinner at around 10pm, and nearly fainting due to lack of blood sugar, I realized that I have been running on Mt. Dew for the last several hours. Sweet. So if I can manage to keep drinking the shit without overdosing I have a shot of getting this paper done tonight. Only half a problem left on the problem set. If I’m ambitious I might actually do the reading for econ too.

Did I mention that Mt. Dew is a substitute for sleep? Well it is.
12:10AM

4:17PM EDT
An Article of Resolution, work in progress:
Okay, after much debate this afternoon (translation: I’ve only written three sentences for THE paper) I have decided that I really don’t want to turn my emotions off again… maybe just down a bit. I think this whole thing is a wake up call for me. Something has changed inside me. Maybe changed isn’t the right word: more like awakened. Yeah awakened. I’m again starting to feel the strength of emotional that I used to feel 6 years ago or so before I switched into serious student mode. Only now I’m armed with more experience, ability to apply intelligence and a higher IQ. So I think I’m better prepared to deal with whatever emotion my soul wants to throw out at me.

This is not to say I was ever unemotional. Did I just make up that word? I think recently that my emotion has manifested itself as passion. Any of you who really know me understand that I am a rather driven (though occasionally not focused), determined, involved person. I really do put myself into *most* things that I do. Notice “things” that I do. The more I think about it the more I realize that I’ve had very few fulfilling interpersonal relationships recently. I’ve often been the dominant one, occasionally the follower. I can only think of one friendship that I’ve truly been an equal in: my closest friend back home and I have a unique relationship. She kicks my ass and I kick hers, I lift her up and she lifts me. There’s no bullshit, just pure honesty. We exchange our I-told-you-sos. No barriers.

Nonetheless I haven’t gotten that close to people at Colgate. Three fucking years… that’s sad. Not to say that I don’t know a lot of wonderful people on campus, I’ve just haven’t had the opportunity to get close to them. And I’m beginning to think that it’s because I’m not putting myself out there, emotionally especially. And my genius idea of hermitting (I KNOW I made that word up) myself in my room for 243 more days, playing an academic machine, albeit a rather broken one, is probably one of my worst. It was a band-aid solution to the events of last year. A band-aid that would hurt like a bitch to rip off if I left in on til May 19th. So let’s not do that, shall we? I need to put myself out there more. I can’t let past bad experiences, with friends taking advantage of me color, future friendships. From those experiences I think I have the knowledge to advert future disaster. I know the warning signs.

Oxymoron:
So is this how I get rid of this oxymoron that has resided within me for the last week: overflowing emptiness? I think I might have figured out the what, but not the how. We all have such little time. I almost feel like I’ve lost my opportunity. I don’t know, maybe that’s what has made me blog so much recently. It’s my first step in reaching out. Testing the waters. See if the world can handle me (aren’t I conceited). More importantly, see if I can handle myself. … No, nix that, I know I can handle my self. Rather I have to prove to myself that I can outwardly show more of my emotional side than just the stress. No not prove: re-acclimate. Come to think of it that’s probably the most of my emotion most Colgate students have seen. They’ve seen me frazzled; they might have even seen me crack ever now and again. The more I think about it maybe caging the rest of soul up so tightly contributed to the cracks. Maybe if I own up to my emotions, my hopes and desires and fears, things will run a lot smoother.

Claustrophobia:
I need to let myself out and let others in. I don’t think I realized how much I was shutting people out. Not in a shy sense, but as in the depth of my personality. If that makes any sense? (My self-deprecating side chimes in here: This is all assuming some cares!) I don’t think I realized this til I started getting claustrophobic. It’s come on slowly over the past year. Going from being a rather immodest person, to heightened sense of space, craving silence and open land, dislike of crowds, to a near panic attack/hyper ventilation in the Kruschev lecture yesterday. It took yesterday for me to realize that. Situation recognized and gone. I am bursting my bubble of personal space… hopefully. I need to let myself so that I’m not walled in so much that people can violate my walls. Is this rational? Does it make sense?

Sudden Recollection:
The ironic thing is that someone told me this three years ago and I recognized that I was building wall. Well maybe I only realized that I was building walls around myself when it came to romantic relationships. And for a while I was working to deconstruct the walls brick by brick. It’s a matter of trust. And I was succeeding for a while. But I think I just completely for got about that. And this was something that came from a friend at school I had only know for a week. He saw enough about my personality in one frigin’ week to see that. Damn that was a spiritual experience for me, which is amazing seeing that I didn’t have a sense of spirituality three years ago. Therefore I need to reaffirm one of my favorite quotes: “This is a soul battle and there's really no opponent except the one in the mirror." - Kristo

Damn that memory just rushed back to me so strongly, it was almost violent. See this is the emotion I’ve missed, bottling it up for so long. Wow!!!!!!!

Balance, resolution and action:
But there is also a balance, a rather delicate balance between completely opening the value on my emotions and shunting them off. This balance exists between being human and being productive enough to graduate. There’s also the issue of balancing my intellect with my emotion. Right now I might be over intellectualizing things just a bit. Therefore I need to just do it. I have some direction just do it. Just like with my paper, I have a thesis, so I should just start fucking writing.

Momentum:
So as one of my friends left as an away message today, and I’m paraphrasing: “When life kicks you in the ass, you got to know how to run with the momentum.” That pretty much sums it up. I have been kicked in the ass recently, by the world around me and by the backlash of my own suppression. Now do it.

Blessed:
Part of me needs to say that I really didn’t deserve to write the above two pages. I’m almost guilty and feeling selfish that I did. And here comes the purpose of our blogs. Something an acquaintance of mine said hit home to this topic.

"My problems are interpersonal, and they seem so trivial. Since when do I have any right to be upset with myself? But, also, I know that everyone deserves to fell better, no matter how trivial my problems may seem in light of everything I've seen and heard in the last week.”

I am able to intellectually understand this statement. And I agree with it, especially since it should make me feel better. But it doesn’t sink in emotionally. I still feel guilty. I know that I am very blessed. Blessed, not only in the sense of the events of the past week, but overall. I don’t have any financial crisis at the moment (just attempting to avoid being on food stamps next year). And my issues are definitely small potatoes compared to those of some of my friends and acquaintances and of people I haven’t even met. So part of me wants to say I shouldn’t be complaining; I shouldn’t be blogging. But I think it’s good therapy for me. I don’t have any other sounding boards at the moment so I guess it will have to be a server.

Does anyone out there, who knows me or not, have any insight on this? No biggie, I just wanna know if you think that I might be bull-shitting myself of being over optimistic.

To do.
5:54PM

9:28AM EDT
Brain freeze:
Okay, so I got absofuckinglutely nothing done last night. Why am I completely incapable of turning my emotions back off. I really want to and really don’t at the same time. There is so much I need/want to get out of my head at the moment and at the same time such a void to fill. Yet I still have a part of me that just wants it all to stop: brain freeze. Shut down at least the emotional part, so that I can unfreeze the part of my brain that keeps me from failing out of school.

And this room is so empty.
9:31AM

PS: Is there anyone actually reading this? Just curious.

10:17PM
A brief rant:
Someone I respect just called me an “it,” as in asexual. One of my housemates is now referring to me as the asexual techie. Lovely, just fucking lovely! Don’t get me going on the whole self-esteem/confidence thing at the moment.

I think I’m getting addicted to blog… I mean my electronic journal has been rather regular, but something about the power of putting myself on the line. Power, yet humbling at the same time. I have a list of topics now that I want to talk about. But I really need to write a paper and finish a problem set, so you (assuming anyone is reading this) will have to wait.

So, there we go. I’m not longer considered a member of the female gender. I shall determine how to get my email address {mspeak@hotmail.com} into the template and then work. Maybe.

I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate.
10:25PM

Just added reblogger and a counter. My coding is slowing coming back to me.

1:09PM EDT
Ramblings of the Introspective Alarmist:
Sitting in econ today the subject of an individual’s power hit me like a ton of bricks. We were talking about how the market took a noise dive in the first half hour of trading, just as our sterile laws of supply and demand told us it would. Then it sunk in: holy fucking shit (a phrase that I’ve actually had a justifiable foundation to use in a plethora of situations recently), a group of under 40 people (on the high side) have managed to affect the entire world at a massive, incomprehensible magnitude. I don’t even think our President, leader of THE fucking world superpower could do a single act that affected the world as much. (Although he will probably try, now won’t he… and the resultant will most likely not be anything we want to see.)

Then I started pondering the power of an individual. I mean do any of us “little people,” a.k.a. average citizens, really have the power to do anything. Our greatest affects are those relating to our interpersonal relationships. And is that really all that great of an effect. I mean people around me are talking about how they think that they are making the lives’ of those around them horrible. Is this even possible? I mean, in the context of the bigger picture. The counterargument for this is the “butterfly takes flight” story: you know the one. The butterfly kicks up pollen that makes a deer sneeze, starting a group of deer running, stirring up dust, with creates a medium for water in the atmosphere to condense on, which in tern creates a storm that turns into a hurricane which batters the shit out of some coastal community somewhere. But I don’t know if this counter argument works.

Can we really affect people in this manner? Or is the real power only held by the fucking “genius” lunatics of the world. Does it even matter?

Part of me wants to say that a single individual can hold a tremendous amount of power over another given the right circumstances… shit, it’s happened to me (unfortunately on the bad end of things) twice in the last year. But were those instances really significant in the big picture, or are they just trees for the forest. People are fucking resilient when you get right down to it. Can the ill effects we think we have on people, on the ones imposed on us… do they all just come out in the wash when we take a step back and realize what’s important.

In this time of realizing our unity as Colgate students, New Yorkers, American, and humans, what now defines this concept of “importance”?

Songs on the brain: Indigo Girls, Leeds; various Tracy Chapman
Writings on the brain: Willie’s Taming of the Shrew and Economics
Thought to ponder for the day: If you’ve never really had something, can you miss it?

Now back to my “insignificant” Shakespeare paper. Well maybe investigating how manipulating someone can make things better isn’t all that insignificant. Nonetheless, 3 posts in 24 hours, with no sense of tiring of it… I’m fucking sick.

Tempted to run.
1:31PM

8:59AM EDT
I just reply to an email a friend in Boston sent me... it seems prudent to my blog.
{{
As for New York, I have luckily been able to contact all my really close friends in the area... even those that live within the 6 block radius of the WTC. But we are all bracing ourselves for when the list comes out. Half of our physics majors become investment bankers and most of the theatre grads go to the city too. It's just a matter of time till I find someone who TAed me freshman year on the list. We already know there was alum on one of the planes. But sadly enough, that's not my biggest fear. I'm more afraid that a full fledge fucking war is gonna break out in the coming months. I'm more concerned about my friends in the military and reserves who are fine now, but might not be soon. I'm worried about those around me and the possiblity of a draft if the US decides to go out there and be a fucking cop to the world. Canada anyone? But I digress. I agree, the whole concept just sucks your mind and thoughts in and doesn't let go.

Other than that it's rather busy, we have a show that opens Thursday and between know and then I have a paper, a problem set and a pile of reading. But other wise life is pretty good, I mean as good as it can be all things considered. Which is pretty sucky at the moment.

Okay, I'm not the most optimistic person at the moment... I tend to be somewhat of an alarmist. But that's pretty much it... anything else that is going on is pretty much overshadowed at the moment. Hopefully someday soon I'll be able to write you a happier email.
}}

I just fucking bloged into an email. Damn.
9:00AM EDT

9:45PM EDT
Well I think you all have drawn me in. We shall see how consistently I am able to maintain a blog… just keep in mind I haven’t been very good a paper journal recently.

First some disclaimers:
I have my own “creative” way of using the English language, I make up words, I use words incorrectly because I like the shape of the word or sound of the combination of vowels it presents, and to top it all off, I’m from Boston. Thus the title of this blog: m speak. It is it’s own language. Further, I tend to have a rather foul mouth when I get emphatic about something… deal with it. I’m usually a rather cheery person, but lacking other rant sinks, it’s bound to end up in this blog.

Another disclaimer:
This whole open-to-public-web-log thing is weird to me. Those of you who know me know that I am by no means a shy person. I am, however, rather guarded when it comes to the inner works of my mind and soul. I greatly admire those of you who left so much out in this format; I honestly don’t know if I’m ready for that, especially in a period of time where I have to be extremely careful about what I say and in which company. Maybe I’m hoping that this will help me dissolve some of the walls that personal politics have forced me to build around my psyche, but in all honesty, I really don’t know why I’m doing this!

Down to Business:
I spent way too much time today reading other people’s blogs. I don’t know why, I just felt the need to, although I really should be doing work. Nonetheless, I’ve been in a rather weird mood recently. After my run in with Mark, Alex and Sue, who represent an archetype in my life (which I will probably often refer to as MAS) I’m feeling rather brainwashed into a sort of academic, inhuman machine. T-245 days, but is it worth it? Contemplating my own ends-justifying-means scenario. I know I just need to do what I’ve got to do, but I’m beginning to doubt my ability to turn parts of my soul off and on. Especially the “on-again” part. I mean, will I still be the same person in 245 days.

I’ve been rock solid for the last 4 months, but somehow the events of the week have forced me into being human again. For the first time in my life I am scared shitless about something going on 100% outside of my own head (which I will probably explain in a later post). I mean, I actually cried this week. And not just a little stress crack-out cry. But after the candlelight vigil, I looked around and realized how much I’ve withdrawn myself from this campus. Withdrawn from close friends and walled up against letting others in. And there was now one that I identified with whose shoulder I could cried on. This just billowed the upwelling fear. Thankfully there were a few acquaintances there, but refection on the week has made me wonder. It makes me realized that what academia (especially this sciences) is all about doesn’t really matter in the bigger picture, especially at the cost of interpersonal relationships that define what it means to be alive. Back to square one. Rewind 1 year.

Whatever happened to those long conversations with a friend(s) about the meaning of life. The last good one I remember was in junior high. Now all I seem to be doing is playing psychologist, or worse, patient. I’m not saying that all conversations should be cheery, but what about those moments when you can confront the pain of your mutual emotions, yet still be hypnotized by the flicker of the soul’s energetic spark. I want to discuss everyday fears, hopes and dreams, and get to know the color of people’s souls. 10 years after those fireside, junior high “meaning of life” debates, the closest I get is faceless bloggers. And from some of what I’m reading this feeling of a caged soul’s isolation is not unique unto me.

So about three hours of reading blogs and staring at the wall, thinking. (compared to the days of sitting by the window this week, thinking) And the most ironic thing is that MAS has got me thinking in terms of opportunity cost. People’s blogs evidence that we’re all a little troubled deep down. It scares me that I’m scared. Afraid that reaching out and being more open will have the same negative effects that the MD club had on me. Scared of getting involved, guilty about imposing. Shut door, hole in, block out. Therefore, because of this fear, MAS has me living in the realm of superficiality. And if that’s what I wanted out of my social “education” at college I’d have joined a sorority.

Balance. So where is it. Does it exist between this world of stressful academics (that I’m starting to REALLY not care about) and being human.

Where do I get on the scale?
10:35PM