m speak

2002-04-11T15:17:00.000-04:00

I have now added a commenting script, BlogOut1.4. Now maybe I'll do some blogging... nahhh.

2002-04-08T13:27:00.000-04:00

Does anyone know of commenting services that are still accepting new people?... my blogback, or whatever it was, stopped working a LONG time ago.

2002-04-08T13:15:00.000-04:00

Rants a-brewin':
1. The idiotocity of moving the lawn the first week of april in CNY.
2. Some Colgate students never seem to learn their lesson.
3. MTVs spring break coverage makes me fear the lack of morality for our entire generation.

More later... 41

2002-03-14T17:59:00.000-05:00

And my world comes crashing down.....

66

2001-12-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, in case you haven't heard, I did develop a serious addiction/dependancy on nutella these past two weeks. As previously stated: "nutella is holding my soul together." This addiction (translate: consumption of said chocolatey, nuty goodness in LARGE quantities) will cease on Saturday. I promiss. M will go to the gym dammit!

2001-12-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know it's been a while. And I have actually been doing alot of personal writting during this hectic final days of the semester. And for the first time this semester, I've really had to censor myself, to the point of not being able to post anything. Maybe over break, I'll put up some retroactive posts, but I just need to think about a few things rightnow, before they are thrust out into public knowledge, even cyrptically.

Right now, I am feeling so much, and yet so terrible little. I wish I had someone to share it with. But I don't. I'll leave it at that.

So, the hell that is finals week, and this semester is almost over. 13 hours in this semester and 157 til I get to run down the hill, clad in black, drunk off my ass. Again, I will miss leaving campus. I've gotten so used to CNY, especially since I've only left the county once in the past 120 days (we moved in with 270 days remaining on the grand count-down) and that was to go to Syracuse to see a play for class and that doesn't count. But I really will miss all of my Colgate friends. 5 long weeks away. Really, you are all invited to visit me in Boston, if you have the time. I do miss Boston, my puppy (who will put more scares on me when he sees me, he probably thinks I died or something), my shitty just-above-minimum wage job, traffic jams and road rage. There will be much drinking, skiing, concert-going, and possible frostbitting with the exs (my only entertainment in Boston). My best friend at home moves to Florida soon. At least I'll have an excuse to go someplace warm during spring break (which reminds me... AIRLINE TIXS). I really do need the break, but almost wish I was only going home for a week or so, then coming back here to hang out with the Colgate gang for a month without the burden of classes. Of well, I girl can dream can't she.

So the finals is almost over. Shakespeare is done. I will not recover enough to read another Shakespeare play for 10 years. But that course is over. I got a solid B on the last paper, and don't think I did that badly on the final (predicting low C to high D). But, did I say that it's over? So now to optic... Somehow I managed to school the last exam we took. It took me 7 semester to figure out how to rule on an exam. I started that exam last minute, so I'm starting the final last minute too, like I had a choice, but anyways. Like said, it will all be done in 13 hours or so, and then there will be much drinking, cleaning, hanging out, packing and driving home, where the hibernation shall commence.

Okay enough procrastination.

2001-11-26T08:22:00.000-05:00

I just can't put it in words... I've tried for a week now and I just can't.

My bubble got burst. And it seems like I don't have anything to hold on to. Everyone too busy, everyone has their own lives. All this talk of Colgate being home: my jury is still out. With the exception of a few close friends, I just don't know anymore. And I'm even having problems defining those few. And so the countdown continues. 174 until I can live life. I used to say until I can have my life back, but somehow that doesn't fit anymore. I don't know if I ever had a life, my own life.

So it's all about facades and putting up one convincing enough to fool myself so that I can get through the next three weeks. For some reason I'm skeptical that it will be effective.

"Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell... What is it in me that refuses to believe this isn't easier than the real thing.. am I in heaven here, or am I in hell, at the crossroads I am standing." - Sarah McLachlan

2001-11-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

I don't want to be strong anymore. Rather I don't want to NEED to be strong anymore. Outward appearances aside, I'm just very frustrated at the moment. Took me three hours to get out of bed this morning, that never happens to me. I'm just fed up with getting the short end of the stick. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. Part of the problem is that I'm still so in the dark... and craving that human connection.

2001-11-18T02:21:00.000-05:00

I can't put it in words right now... definitely not written words, and barely spoken ones. I just can't converse with the computer at the moment; I need that human connection.

This pretty much sums it up:
"Hope is a dangerous thing." - Shawshank Redemption

2001-11-18T02:20:00.000-05:00

And then I amazed myself and worked through it. Metaphorical test passed. Mission successful so far. Suck the D admin.

2001-11-14T02:11:00.000-05:00

And then it got to me...

2001-11-10T17:52:00.000-05:00

5:30PM EST
Return to Normalcy?:
This week's duality has been exhilarating. And I can't say often enough how I am amazed at how well I'm dealing the chaos that often is inevitable with such a strong, obvious duality. Yet none the less, I desire a return to balance, to normalcy. The energy that is produced by the potential of uncertainty is wonderful, yet I crave a bit of something concrete. I honestly don't know how or when I'll find it, hopefully soon. But I know that all this is happening for some greater reason. I will get something significant out of every situation, however insignificant it seems at the time. So let's recap the week:
I started naming days last week as the mood fit.

Sunday: Holy Fucking Shit
Monday: Bang Head Here
Tuesday: Please Shoot Me
Wednesday: Bang Head Here
Thursday: Overkill
Friday: (this is still up for debate): Apathy or Wrath or Open Mouth, Insert Foot
Saturday: Searching

So I'm searching for my normalcy. It's somewhat frustrating, especially since so much patience is required at the moment. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not known for being great with patience... but I'm trying. The potential is driving me to.

Kristo says it so well today:

There is no reliable formula for dealing with Duality, although there are many famous (and many more not so famous) cookbooks written concerning the problem. Essentially, every book ever written, and every tale ever told is an attempt to deal with the problem of opposites. That might sound far-fetched...but if life itself is the arena in which to achieve Bliss...and the only way to find Bliss is to be truly ourselves...then to arrive at that state of Being requires negotiating a constant stream of conflicting choices. Our only real problem is not in using free will to achieve Bliss, but simply to remain aware of what Bliss might truly be. ... We are NOT who we think we are...and that's why it's important to know Other. Other is the place, and relationship is the means through which we learn the most about ourselves.

And Kristo keeps getting closer to fully nailing it on the head.
5:51PM

2001-11-08T15:11:00.000-05:00

3:06PM EST
Today’s Kristo:

For the moment, it's appropriate to try the least popular alternative, just to get a taste of something we completely deny, and categorically consider distasteful. Without obtaining this certain knowledge...at least symbolically, we're missing out on the whole truth. This peering into the darkness of our own Shadow is terrifying work. We hate to admit certain truths...and coming to know about our own prejudices is a peculiar and arresting experience. Suddenly, ego is up against the wall. Forced / thrown up against the wall, we find the voice to speak some very dark, but essential truths. Expect to hear extremely important things coming out of your own mouth today. Do everything you possibly can to vary your routine today. You're likely to discover something of immense value along an unusual path. Just don't expect it to look anything like what you were wishing for.

I think it’s hitting it right on the nose.
3:08PM

2001-11-07T23:19:00.000-05:00

11:12PM
That was probably a rather boring post for you to read. I know most things on there sound mundane, but this was probably the post that was the hardest for me to actually post. I don’t know what has motivated me to do so, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to maintain blog intergerty and keep in up there, but something intuitive has told me to post it. Maybe it’s that it forced me to re-read them again right now. Or that maybe by making them “public” that I will remain more honest to them. The list is more of a list of goals, some of which I come closer to reaching than others. And even though they are rather mundane, it’s weird how they describe a part of my personality I don’t often let people see, or is it that they just don’t understand that aspect of who I am? Who knows? Anyways, I am really trying to tap into my intuition right now, it’s that time of year. So here it is. So I’m sitting here, thinking about these life rules/goals hoping for the best.
Limbo.
11:17PM

2001-11-07T23:13:00.000-05:00

10:56PM EST
I said I might do this. And I’ve come to the point that occurs every few months where I dig out this list of personal “rules for m” that I began keeping about 5 years ago and read, review, ponder and revise. So here goes:

Rules for m, as of Nov. 7, 2001:
Be honest with myself
Don’t prejudge others
Stand your ground
Be real
Keep negative opinions to myself
Don’t talk about others behind their backs
Keep promises… to everyone
Don’t give up
Suck it up
Don’t be a wimp
Fear is not an excuse
Use fear as a driving force
Stay organized
Be on time
Don’t feel the necessity to speed, but do it anyway
Look for a person’s emotional characteristics
Everyone has a bad day
Everyone says something stupid occasionally
Follow my rules and only my rules
Don’t be self conscience, be self-confident
Say what you’re thinking
Say what you mean
Don’t return insults
Give second chances
Ask for second chances
Assume nothing
Don’t be the rebound girl
Don’t judge guys from previous relationships
Have fun around nice guys
Have fun
Be positive more than half the time
Recognize the good in every situation
Get ahead
Stay ahead
Save a little (time) for rainy days
Help others selflessly… within reason
Stay in contact with those who support you, believe in you and love you
Love openly
Don’t leave important messages, convey them in person
Live to love
Don’t look back with regret, just more knowledge and experience
Return emails (promptly)
Don’t over analyze
Nothing is the end of the world, don’t treat anything as such
Follow my own advice
Listen to happy/hopeful music when depressed
Be sympathetic
Don’t wallow
Don’t place blame where blame is not due
Have faith in humanity, yet still watch your back
Trust
Avoid naivety
Believe in myself, on all levels
Don’t scapegoat
Avoid generalizing
Remember Anything is possible
Remember that the laws of physics are mere theory and suggestion
Listen to yourself- really truly and honestly listen
Be the first to admit mistakes
Be gracious when others point them out first
Take responsibility
Be the bigger person
Be available
Make time for me
Remember where you came from
Keep focused on where you’re going
Take the scenic route
Cherish pure silence
Honor nature
Forgive… and forget, but don’t forget completely

11:10PM

2001-11-07T22:52:00.000-05:00

10:45PM EST
Another Quote:
I am so tempted to email this to a particular "cult" member RA I know.

"I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it." - anon.

But my better judgement was prevailed over my devious desires.

2001-11-06T11:46:00.000-05:00

11:29AM EST
Lovin' duality. Potential baby. The capacitor is charging. It's really sad that I view the world using physics optics... I'm just sick man.

Cryptic and No-So-Cryptic Quotes that provide insight to m's current state of mind:

"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises." -Samuel Butler

"The true test of intelligence is not what you know how to do, but what you do when you don't know what to do." -anon.
(I *think* I'm passing that test at the moment.)

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Your character is your destiny." -anon.

Einstein's Three Rules of Work:
1) Out of Clutter find Simplicity
2) From Discord make Harmony
3) In the middle of Difficulty lies Opportunity

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed." -anon.

"Darkness there was a first by darkness hidden." - Vedic Hymn of Creation x.129, line 3
(I really wish I had the time to dive back into my Eastern Religions reading.... mmm tha buddha)

And one for "All My Sons":

"Efficiency is intelligent laziness." -David Dunham

I think later I will have to post my life rules thing I mentioned a few weeks ago... although that will be much later, as in after lunch, meetings, problem sets, meetings, cueing, more cueing, swearing at the board, and more problem sets and maybe some Hamlet. In other words: much much later.

Daily Kristo:
I almost forgot your daily (mandatory) dose.

"It's now time to move on into the pitch darkness. Something rich and beautiful is waiting...but we must move to meet it, or lose the healing opportunity of this powerful pregnant moment."

So much healing in a circumstance I never would have imagined would have presented the opportunity.
11:43PM

2001-11-05T18:49:00.000-05:00

Kristo is despirately needed today:

What we're about to enter is not exactly a brave new world...but a world of redemption. Soul has been in hock for millennia and is now about to take another trip Home. The only price to pay is a tolerance for Paradox and the tiniest faith in Being.

Something absolutely splendid arrives in your life today. It appears to arise from a dark, murky, muddy place...but is neither a diamond in the rough nor a pearl before swine. The zeitgeist indicates the equivalent of a perfectly polished and shining gemstone found in the place or from the direction / source you would least likely expect. Simply remain alert. As usual, nothing more complicated (or difficult) is required.

2001-11-05T18:06:00.000-05:00

5:45PM EST
I know I've been a bad blogger. Guess cause I've really been craving personal interaction, not the sterile kind Blogger provides, although that is also strangely powerful. I appologize for not blogging or really reading others blogs, but I'm sure you'll understand.

duality, Duality, DUALITY:
Yes, Nov 4 has officially been re-named Holy-Fucking-Shit-Day for a plethora of reasons.
Right now I'm smack in the middle of experiencing THE duality of this life. It's beautiful, amazing, awe-inspiring, overwhelming and terrifying all rolled into one little ball of ______ . It's so inexplicable verbally. But it's so there, a presence. Now is really a test of my character of multiple fronts: emotionally, professionally, socially, academically, politically, spiritually... you name it. And the best part is I think I'm up for the challenge. Patience is hard, probably my biggest personal challenge. I think now is the best time for me to really step up. There is so much potential in this duality it's practically knocked me off my axis. Although this potential is being honest to the duality and contains both good and bad... well... potential, my intuition, which has been turned off for too long now, stands up to scream that the good has the upper hand here.

All I can say is: Wow.

"Fear can hold your prisoner. Hope can set you free."
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
"Hope is dangerous thing."
For Shawshank Redemption... now I want to see that movie again!
I don't know if this was in the movie but... Hope is a wonderful thing.
6:05PM

2001-10-25T13:17:00.000-04:00

It's one of those days that you can see the wind. Great, powerful, energizing, restful wind. It'll play more into a post that anwers the previous question... eventually.
Now it's just the right wind to finish drafting the design that is due in 5 hours.

2001-10-16T01:58:00.000-04:00

Further: A Thought Question:

Is fall new or old to you? Fall in general or this fall specifically, either/both?

I almost don't want to elaborate on what I mean by "new". I will post my thoughts on the topic at some point in time, as I think I am still collecting my thoughts on the manner. It might require more wandering.

2001-10-16T01:53:00.000-04:00

1:38AM EDT
When does daylight saving end anyways? I could use an extra hour any time soon.

Patience?:
Today’s message of the day is patience:

”The play of Opposites requires a judicious dose of Proportion. Putting things in perspective always sounds like a good idea...except in the heat of the moment. We're loathe to keep a lid on that which bugs us the most. The alchemical art requires tremendous Patience...allowing the tension to build without venting off some of the pressure. Venting is the surest way to lose a vital ingredient.”

I think I really needed to read that about 20 minutes ago… well I had read it earlier in the day, but eventually, not close enough. I don’t think I completely pasted the patience test. Well I did at least with Mathcad(a physics/math program), but that is partially due to the patience inspiring stability of the wonderful new Dells in the COOP computer lab, even though I still hold that the systems, and especially their flat screens, are a little excessive and therefore a waste of money. I’m very impressed that I had a three hour session without a system crash. Damn. *getting down off my soap box now* Despite my general lack of patience in other manners, I don’t think I did that much damage. So the uncertainty continues. I guess I do need to risk though, I mean what do I have to lose… well hope really, but that’s really a paradox of position huh. Crap, I forgot I had an email to write.

Another Kristo quote that is not fitting to my particular circumstance but is noteworthy:

“Any art or artifex who insists on an exclusively literal interpretation of things is more dangerous than just boring.”

Or is fitting?

I also must apologize for the lack of correct grammar in the previous few uber posts. They were pretty free flowing thoughts and I haven't decided if it's against blog ethic to go back and edit them... probably not huh?
1:50AM

2001-10-15T00:19:00.000-04:00

12:12AM EDT
Fuck it.

I’m having one of those days that is so weird… it is going well and going badly at the same time. I can’t tell if I’m hungry or hurting. I just have no desire to work. I am stuck in a paradox of wanting to feel and escapism. Violence isn’t fazing me. My world is slightly out of tilt today. And why now, again, am I having problems turning off my humanity.

I need to take some action so that I can return to being productive.

Kristo for the Day:

”The raw energy released through a transcendence of Opposites is available for the physical creation of that which we are most in need of...Clarity of Self. It is more than possible to have a clear view of who you are. Not what you Do...but who you Be. We've only been put on this earth to Be ourselves. Faith requires it...Psyche demands it...the Alchemy of the moment offers it.”

To wander… no energy, even though I know I need a kick in the pants that only she can provide… but I’ll probably end up sleeping.
12:17AM

2001-10-14T11:06:00.000-04:00

3:54AM EDT
Brain Flood:
It’s been a weird night. I’m not as graceful with words as others, but I think I’m gonna try.

There’s something supernatural in the air at the moment. Nothing specific, just a general aire in the air. Most likely the last “warm” night of the fall, with temperatures barely grazing 60, reminding me of colder summer night a couple months before, shivering on our way to the T in the wee hours of the morning. Something in the air that confuses me, or rather forces me to forget what time of year it is. The multitude of blue-white and seedy orange reflecting off the black advancing waters of the lake stand witness to the disguise of seasons. The shapeless movement of raining, floating, drifting objects, which I logically know are leaves, but somewhere deep inside me wants them to be cherry blossoms, blown off their branches as they begin to brim with life in the season of newness. The aire of newness, chance immersed in a sea of tiredness, decay, retirement and defeat. With tiny pinpoints bearing down, keeping time and adding glory. A constant warm southerly, every so slowly turning from disturbingly warm to a familiar hint of chill. Yet the sense of newness and lazy urgency prevails. Making it all fall into neat place creating no order. Paradox, empherialism and logic reason intertwined. The distant, earthbound hum of the heating plant adds to the surrealism and misalignment of the moment.

I guess it’s that time of year that I begin to feel the call to walk. A call that is always a challenge seeing that I rarely have time to do so. But the call nonetheless grows louder and the air grows colder, drier and the trees become lighter. It’s also marks my craving of silence. I got a bit of that tonight. I have always had problems finding truly quiet places on campus. Quiet in the sense of no man-made noises. No planes overhead, not air intakes audible, no cars whooshing past on a distant highway. At home it is impossible: even on a 1000 acre state park, even whilst trespassing in the middle of the night, I-95 provides the constant background drone, a reminder of man’s presences and proliferation. It makes me crave Baxter State Park further desire for the outdoor knowledge I have never perfected and the friends burn with the same quest of silence. There have been precious few seconds at Colgate when I’ve had that silence, far back in the woods in the middle of a heavy, protective snowfall. But tonight reminded me that it is conceivable easier to find that silence. I have done very little wandering up in the woods in the middle of the night… I need to change this. There are so few cars on 12B in the middle of the night, removing the last sound of technology audible up on the top of the hill. I need to find midnight wandering buddies. For mostly the drunks and now the chance of escaped mental patients have kept me from wandering the woods alone in the middle of the night. It’s sad that that is the case, but unfortunately so true. I am completely comfortable with the natural sounds of critters crashing through the underbrush, but I think just the negative energy from others who might have ill intents up there, keeps me away. But I think it would all be better with a companion. I need to get away from the silliness every now and then. I want to go into the woods and talk with someone, something serious, something trivial, or just sit and enjoy the silence. For tonight I reminded myself that the silence is there waiting for us. Once the search helicopter looking for the escapee went away it was there. Alone with the critters and the wind and the blue cast of the sky. It’s freedom and peace for me. The only true serenity in my world at the moment. I have no idea who that wandering buddy will be, possibly even a figment of my imagination. But I so crave to tell the stories that I am otherwise afraid to tell, for fear of misunderstanding. To let the rest of my soul out of its shell. To just have an uplifting meaningless conversation. There’s such connection in that; both with the earth and with the other. Enough blather… I need to get out and do it.

More on Hiding:
I think I remember what I was going to say about hiding in my last post. Some of you may have noticed that I nowhere on this blog use my real name and hesitate in using other’s names, even first names, often resorting to confusing indefinite pronouns. Part of me is concerned with general internet security, part of me wants to eliminate all possibility of a employer finding my blog instead of my online resume upon searching for my name, part of me is not ready to let it all go. There were reasons, especially last year, why aspects of who I am needed to be kept on the down low. Those reasons have pretty much been eradicated. Yet I still kept some rather important aspects of my personality and who I am cloistered. I have been trying to tell people, but often don’t have the energy to dispel misunderstandings at the same time, misunderstandings that are inevitable as well as understandable. Yet with so many others being generally so open and with Coming Out Day this week, people have been able to let so many significant cats out of the bag… live cats mind you. Cats that are “bigger” (for lack of a better word) issues than my own secrets. I don’t know, I’m getting there I hope. I guess this blog is one step. But just how to let the cat out of the bag and when tends to be the obstacle. I’m not worrying too much about it mind you, I’m trying to go with the flow. It’s just something that resides in the back of my head. Then the other issue is, what am I hiding from myself. I know there are things that I am, but that’s another story.

Man that’s a lot of blather. I really want to walk some more… but yet again responsibility to academia ruins the fun of life. Once again I shall put my humanity on hold til the next weekend.

Kristo's Wise Words for the Day:
I almost forgot:

”Transcendence is the only possible solution to the paradoxical problem of Opposites. The coin can never land on its side...that's simply a physical impossibility...but there is Something Else.”

Today is all about getting in touch with that something else, if only scratching the first atomic layer of the surface.
4:30AM

2001-10-12T17:38:00.000-04:00

3:00PM EDT
Commence "uber" Post:
Or über, or ueber post, or if that doesn’t boat your float, really-fucking-long post. Hehe… I mean what right to I have to say anything using a foreign language. I’ve had several rather significant trains of thought running through my head over the past couple of days and

Follow up to my last significant blog:
I had no right to beat myself up. I mean, what is the purpose behind making myself feel miserable? What purposes does guilt/self-loathing have to our species? How did natural selection fail to edit out these kinds of emotions? Maybe they are part of that baggage we carry around as the species at the top of the food chain that is only capable of being knocked out of existence by its own devices. I digress… no evolutionary science shall be discussed today.

I still had no right to beat myself up. Self deprecation is just an elaborate way to indulge ourselves. I’ve been trying to figure out what, psychologically, creates a need for me, and humans in general, to exhibit this self deprecation. Is it simply a means to keep our egos is check? I think I pretty much came to the conclusion the other day… you know, one of those moments when you just sit bolt upright and decide something… that I will no longer allow myself to inflict pain on myself, especially in manner like this where the pain has no possibility of producing a favorable outcome. And yes there is productive pain… i.e. academia. We kill ourselves for 4 years (hopefully) with pointless work and finally it turns into a diploma(again hopefully). This kind of pain however, cannot become anything good. Therefore it shall be eliminated. Decision and action baby!
3:15PM Had to talk/analyze one of my alum friends over AIM 3:55PM

Hiding with Humor:
But this issued of beating up on ourselves made me think more about the way people act, how they deal with society and their demons at the same time. And we all have demons, some that haunt us more than others. The thing I’ve noticed a lot is that people hide their insecurities with humor more often than not. (damn, that was lame, that sentence rhymed) What I mean by humor is people who act silly/insane. I think we all do it to some degree, just sometime it seems to dominated someone’s personality. This whole train of thought is a rather pointless observation, but again I’m just trying to understand my and ours (humans’) ways of dealing with life. I know personally I use bad jokes to deal with issues of pain. Like last November, with the accident of campus, I made some jokes that were mostly likely in ill tastes, and I succeed in offending a few people. But that’s just my way of dealing with some of these things. I’m trying to decide if this is a healthy behavior, or if it’s one of those balance things: some of it is okay, but if it dominates your personality it’s bad. Which is making my think that are all silly people really insecure when you come down to it… this is probably grossly incorrect, but sometimes, though my distorted view of reality, it seems like it’s the case. This brings up a bigger issues, why don’t we all just be a lot more honest and open with our fellow humans… how many of us really have things to hide? Now that I think of it, lot of people probably have a lot more to hide than I want to admit. I mean, I think, in my humble opinion, that I’m a rather open person and yet I have quite a few things about me that are not public knowledge, of course recently these skeletons have decreased in number. But I still don’t quite understand why we feel we need to hide things in the first place. Okay I’m blathering about this. I guess I will spend much of my life attempting to understand how/why people act the way they do. Sometimes this pastime is rather interesting and other times rather frightening.

Support vs. Change, Trust and Identification, Accessibility:
I think our need to hide things is related to how people react to our divulging of personal stuff. Recently, I went to a rather close friend of mine about the whole body image thing. She spent the entire time trying to tell me how to fix the problem; nutrition, exercise plans, making time. But the thing is that I already know all this stuff, my issue is a time crunch. I’ve made a conscious decision to forego the way I typically eat and the way that I typically exercise because it takes too much time out of my student’s schedule. I know that if I made time to do so I’d weight dozens of pounds less and be 4 sizes smaller and probably in better health. But the truth is that I can exist as is and not be really unhealthy or unattractive, and that will all change in 219 days. I know that I can’t have my typical non-academic lifestyle while in college because there are not enough hours in the day. Doing so could prevent me from graduating. I know this, I’ve made the tradeoff and I explained this all to her. What I was looking for in the conversation was support and not change. I guess that’s a sign of someone who really knows you well: when they know if you need support or advice. And by giving me advice at that time, it almost turned into an argument and pretty much made the situation worse.

But how do we know when to give our good friends advice and when to just be a supportive shoulder. I don’t know if I really know any guidelines, but I think it’s just instinct. I also think it has something to do with identification and trust. As I step back from my friendships, I see that I’m drawn to those with the same faults I have or the same virtues that I admire. It’s identification. And from that identification comes the foundation of trust. Trust can be established via other avenues, but I think identification is a crucial element. And I think that’s where there have always been reservations about the degree with which I identify with this friend. Come to think of it… another element to a trusting and therefore open friendship is accessibility. Accessibility as in openness. Recently I have found some good friends in open people, I don’t know if this is just me as an open person identifying with another open person, or if I’ve had problems with being on the same wavelength with other friends because they weren’t accessible to me or vice versa. It seems rather Jungian. Again from Kristo:

“Jung likes to point out the awful dangers of ego inflation which occur when one identifies with an archetype. He also goes to great lengths to explain about projection...how we willingly point our finger at what we love or revile in others and are completely unaware that Other simply mirrors what is truly within ourselves. What we see is what we are.”

I can’t wait until I have more free time to read great works by people such as Jung. And if you haven’t checked out Kristo yet, I highly recommend his site. Has to be one of my fav 3 on the web.

I seem to not be saying this very clearly, I don’t know if it’s because this is a pointless observation or if I just haven’t formulated the concept into words as of yet.

Unable to Verbalize:
That generally seems to be the theme with a lot of this. Themes like this I get in my head and they roll around in there. If you hadn’t already noticed I tend to view my world through a very logical eye. Almost too logical to the point of deconstructing things to death. I don’t know what drives me to do this. I mean “Not Over Analyzing” is one of my “Rules for Self”… which maybe I’ll type up and publish sometime. Maybe the reason that these rationalization sound so weird on paper is that it’s more of an ephemeral concept in my brain with images, sounds, feelings, examples… it just seems out of context. But I digress.

On Men:
Another observation this week… the kind that makes you sit bolt upright again. Well less of an observation, but rather a realization of my own perceptions and generalizations. I think I was watching MTV in my illness induced stupor on Tuesday and saw one of those boy bands singing a sappy love song ballad. Suddenly it hit me that I view most men as sex searching pigs. Although I know I have many men that I know personally who do not fit this model for some reason I perceive it as odd when guys care about the emotions of things and not just physical satisfaction/fulfillment. In fact, when a guy I am dealing with personally exhibits emotion, I tend to think they are doing to as a cover to help their ploy for getting more ass. I have no idea where such a negative perception of the opposite sex could have come from… no actually I do, it’s probably all Luke’s fault. Most sexual/male dysfunction in my life is his fault, but I digress. I guess I do have many examples of guys who really are like this; in fact one of my male ‘frat’ friends told me in the bar over homecoming that his mission for his senior year was (pardon the *offensive* language here) to “stick his cock in as many pussys as possible.” And you wonder why I have this generalization of men burned into my brain. But on the flipside I know many examples to the contrary. I mean one of my alum friends, who graduated many a year ago, and was practically the male gigolo of his graduating class, just passed his one year anniversary of being with the same person. From the master of the one-night stand to complete and utter devotion to one person in 2 years! So I guess anything is possible. And not only that, but I have so many examples in “the couples” I seem to be surrounded by. Even though their cuteness nauseates me at times, it also serves to remind me that good men exists out there… you just have to find them (and get them whipped *snicker*). Yet still I wonder how much of the male population does this “pigs” generalization hold for? 25%? 50%? 75%? 99.5%? Any thoughts/guesses? I guess anything is possible. And I will find a guy that is an exception to this generalization… if it kills me, dammit I will!

A Rant: Wacky Wildlife:
This has been a week for interesting CNY wildlife. First of all, why are there seagulls 200 miles away from the nearest body of salt water? I mean something is wrong with this picture. And they are rather scrawny seagulls too. The ones we have on the North Shore of Mass. could take your leg off or kidnap a small child. It’s impressive. Damn I miss the ocean.

Futher, what is up with some of these wacky CNY insects? There are these really ugly things that look like stink bugs, but they aren’t. Man are they ugly. Thank good this year they old crawl on the outside of my screens not hiding in my curtains like last year. Anybody know what the hell they actually are?

This week was the week of the ladybug invasion. I had such an infestation on Wednesday: over 50 in my room. So I had to do a little surgery to remove my screen which was installed from the outside (why?), shoe all the bugs out then repair and replace my screens. Fun fun! You should see the west facing side of our house in the early afternoon, especially when the sun is out. The entire thing is fucking covering with ladybugs. It’s impressive.

A Random Rant: Macho Men
Why do men have to act like idiots when they are trying to impress women. Do they know that it only makes them look like fools? My pseudo-stalker is now in the shop when during my work hours… I think I need to change my days. This could get ugly.

Laws of Physics: Colgate Style:
I just discovered that I can’t lock my door if Dave is within a 3 foot radius of it. It’s such a hassle when I’m trying to escape his attacks.

Wrapping Up:
Damn that’s a long post, almost 4 pages, typed, single-spaced! I feel somehow that I didn't nail everything down that’s running though my brain like I wanted to.. it’s the whole ephemeral thing. I’m just blogged out at the moment, even though there is more that I wanted to say about hiding things and the theory of blog… but I guess that will have to wait. Off to find someone to talk a walk with either tonight or tomorrow. Got to enjoy the last of this good weather and it’s been too long since I’ve been up in the woods.
5:34PM

2001-10-11T01:30:00.000-04:00

I know I said that I would post later today... and I think I have an "uber" post building. I'm just not motivated at the moment to get down to the plethora of topics I have running through my rather drugged up brain. Maybe I also need to wait until I feel a little better and have more energy to spare before I expend it formalizing some of this shit into complete sentences. Often contimplation and working shit out would take more out of you than you have at the moment... and that's definitely where I am currently. Sorry if I'm dissapointing any regular reader... *snicker* man was that a conceited statement.

So expect an "uber" post either later Thursday or Friday.

2001-10-10T08:52:00.000-04:00

I can breathe. I can breathe. I CAN BREATHE.
Pay homage to the gods of Zithromax.

Did so much thinking yesterday, seeing that my brain wouldn't function on school work. Hopefully I'll have the time and motivation to get it down on "paper" later today.

2001-10-09T16:43:00.000-04:00

4:18PM EDT
An Episode of A Completely Unedited Blog:
Seeing how things have been going rather well lately (with the noted exception of this undying cold) I should not be in any position to complain. Yet I seem to be having a low self-esteem day. It’s all revolving around my need to get more clothes. I mean I have lots of clothing at the moment… but not enough that fits right. So there precipitates the trip to lovely Ames on a mission to find stuff. Now this trip was doomed from the beginning seeing that I’m sick and don’t have much patience at the moment. Therefore I didn’t try anything on, or buy much really, I just gave up. But just the prospect of having to deal with clothing and sizes is depressing. Really depressing. And even though many a person has told me that I look fine recently, part of me wants to believe them and part of me thinks they are saying it just to be polite or to not crush my self esteem. I just find it ironic that while my esteem about my idenity/personality is strong… meaning that I am very secure with who I am, and I’ve been rather consistently strengthening my self worth over the last 4 years, but all the while my body image has gone exponentially downhill. I know I shouldn’t be as preoccupied with this as I am, but sometimes it just really bothers me. I mean it should be more important to me that I’ve dealt with the shit of the last 4 years and have come out liking who I am and even more importantly knowing my self rather well. It’s this little trade off between me having enough self-worth to know that anyone who doesn’t accept me “as is” isn’t worth it (such a cliché huh?), but there are times, such as now, when my particular situation with the opposite sex makes me very nervous/upset about my lack of physically conditioning at the moment. And I know I can’t do anything about my body until I get out of academia… just no time to swim and study really. I don’t know if I’m making any sense (I love that phrase) but it’s a hard feeling to put into words. I am very secure about my body and sexuality and at the same time I’m not. Especially when that situation is… indefinite… or something like that. I guess I’ve always got my emotional/personalilty security (note: sarcasm).

I think I’m gonna go curl up in a not-so-little ball for a while. Wait, being horizontal is bad for my lungs right now… therefore I shall attempt a vertical ball.

Grumble.

I am so not making any sense today. And I’m not even drugged up YET. I don’t even know if I’m gonna regret this blog.
4:40PM

2001-10-09T09:44:00.000-04:00

12:25AM EDT
Remedying Brain Failure:
I was mentally searching for this quote during a conversation earlier this evening and it escaped me. I has no longer:
From Heather Nova’s “London Rain”

When somebody knows you well
Well there’s no comfort like that
When somebody needs you
Well there’s no drug like that

Day is so the day of quotes from songs.

I think the rat and I need to go to our respective beds now.
12:30AM

2001-10-09T09:43:00.000-04:00

11:58PM EDT (Monday, October 08, 2001) Posted much later due to Blogger issues.
Yet Another Good Weekend:
It’s been a very good evening. Come to think of it I’ve had some very good evenings here this fall. I hope that I’ve finally found my balance between involvement and doing what needs to get done in the next 222 days. Tonight had some conversations about some things that I never expected to be talking about tonight, especially with the ease with which I was able. Colgate has just seemed such a restrictive, impersonal, frat-boy dominated place through my eyes til now, and finally I think the view is changing. Maybe I wouldn’t have “the countdown” if I’d gotten to know people like this sooner. I might even now be fearing the fact that I’m leaving this place so soon, having just figured it out. Now I’m sure once I dig back into my work tomorrow the view will be different, but let me live in my little blissful bubble for a few moments. I hope I find more time and opportunity for more good evenings like this: comfortable, flowing conversation with secure people. Finally I’m beginning to feel at home. Finally things are on an equal plane.
And I got my intell. too: promising and discouraging at the same time. I think I’m gonna try not to get my hopes up. Although my hopes are really…. what’s a good word for it… warm… at the moment.

Another Perspective on Time:
Yeah, that’s it… I really need to leave in the moment right now. For the next 222 days I will be dreading the last of this academia shit that I will have to deal with for a long while and I detest this academia shit mostly because it is getting in the way of me making the most of the last 222 days that I have to spend with some great friends.

Now I must tend to my pet sitting duties.
12:10AM

2001-10-08T15:47:00.000-04:00

2:25PM EDT
Well Jesse has finally guilted me back into blogging.

The Aftermath of Hell Week #1:
Last week really was hell week, but I think that I got through it okay, with the exception of the nerve damage in my right thumb that I obtained during my Econ midterm and of course this minor cold that has decided to be stubborn and is threatening to migrate into my lungs and sinuses. I really hate getting sick like this. I’ve taken really really good care of myself from the moment I started feeling sick and a week later I’m still sick. I’m really really worried that I’m gonna fall back into my pattern AGAIN of getting really really sick and having it fuck up my academics. (the past 3 falls I’ve gotten sick and stayed sick through March or so) Hey but what can I do… I’ve got to think positive, force hot liquids and talk to pa tonight to inquire about anti-biotics. Just what I need… more drugs. Maybe I need to find an herbalist/energy healer in the area… conventional medicine seems to do jack for this thing.

Music on the Brain:
2:50PM … Okay I just got sidetracked by mp3.com. I’ve discovered that I really like their acoustic chart and have found a lot of good music on there. Specifically I’ve had a song by The Muckrakers in my head recently called “When I Fall”. It seems very appropriate for blog land.

Where have you gone now
the curtain’s been raised
I’m standing here
My world’s an empty stage
I want to cry out
For you to hear
But it seems my cries
Only fall on deaf ears
When I fall
away
From the world I’ve known
And the walls I built they all come crashing at my feet
When I fall away
Object permanence
Is not my gift
Some how I’ve figured
You just disappeared
I want to cry out
For you to hear me
But then I’d forfeit
My position here
When I fall Away
From the world I’ve known
And the walls I’ve built they all come crashing at my feet
When I fall away

We stand exposed
And shaken through
Our core of existence
Has been raped by truth
We need to cry out
If someone would hear
But our cries are stifled
By pride and fear
When we fall away
From the world we know
And the walls we built they all come crashing at our feet
When we fall away

Okay that was a sidetrack… I’m glad that even though I’m really sick I can still sing without too much pain, well if I sing gently.

Rant of the Day:
Well I’ve just spent the last three days figuring out VectorWorks Spotlight, which is a CAD program for lighting design. As most people who know me have already heard this rant, I had to by the program from myself (thank gods for educational discounts) seeing that our department is too cheap to cough up $150 buck for a program that would allow us lighting people to get jobs upon graduation. I’m very surprised that our scene design people haven’t jumped on the boat either. I think the main problem is not the money, which I believe is their main excuse. Colgate is overflowing with money to be used on tech… case in point the flatscreen monitors in the COOP computer lab. The problem is that our profs (or as the case my be “instructive administrators”) are too dated/busy/overworked/lazy to learn the new technology. Our lighting faction is completely out of touch with the actual reality of the field at the moment. I thought that was supposed to be one of the things stressed at Colgate: the publication requirement that forces profs to keep in touch with their field outside of the strictly academic world. Maybe that’s why we have “instructive administrators”. I mean come on, just by going to the Broadway Lighting Master Class last year I became the most in-touch lighting person at Colgate. Now with my level of experience and actual ability, that’s fucking sad. Hey I really should look at getting a scholarship to BLMC this year, assuming it doesn’t conflict with anything important, like finals that I can't move.

The main reason that I’m ranting is not only that I had to buy and learn the program myself, but I have to enter all the raw information about our theatre myself… which is rather time consuming/frustrating seeing that I don’t even know all the information, especially z coordinates with the theatre and info dealing with our archaic lighting instruments (from the 60s). Then I have start my design for this really funky set in a really unusual Little Brehmer situation. Groan… it’s turning into another opportunity cost thing especially since this design is only technically for money, not a class. Therefore I can’t let my classwork suffer at it’s expense. And it is proving to be a rather time consuming endeavor. And with it all I’m still trying to find time to hang out with friends. So this could be why I don’t blog as often… also the fact that once I get going blogging it tends to go on… and on… and on.

The Mundane Enemy?:
Other than the above journey into that song, my life has been rather mundane lately. The jury is still out on if this is a bad thing or not. I mean I’ve been having a good time hanging out with people recently, playing pool and watching videos, but I’m missing something. Mundanity (yes I’m making up words again) is really good for getting work done… and seeing that I have a ton or work I have to do (classes) and should do (theatre design done really well=good job potential in the real world next year), mundanity is good. Yet I almost miss the intense emotional and internal conflict that spilled into my blog a week ago. And yet I don’t. I think most of all I miss intellectual debates… it’s a generally a one on one conversation type thing. With the exception of the exploring spiritualities or for that matter other debates of politics or religions, serious/intellectual matters are really not discussed in groups. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of my friends in groups… it’s good escapism and moral boosting, but I’m just craving that intellectual contact with individuals. Maybe it’s me wanting this world/existence to have more substance and meaning. Yet it’s so hard to find this intellectual/serious moments when we are all so busy, me included. I guess I just really miss/crave a few of the conversations I had over Family weekend… maybe I should go on an intell. mission about that. But I really don’t know if mundanity is my friend. I guess I just am looking for intensity… yeah that’s it: intensity. I want something else in my life to be intense other that the workload and international politics.

Now for a quick shower and the intensity of some dead cow goodness!
3:33PM

2001-10-01T20:59:00.000-04:00

8:44PM EDT
What do you do at this time of night, after getting back from a waste-of-time econ review session? Read blogs of course.

Words Found:
And I stumbled upon Kevin’s (not actually expecting it to be updated) and found the words for a feeling that I’d had all last week (still have?). It all started with Jesse's post from over a week ago. Kevin managed to put it into words in a fashion that I hadn’t been able for more than a week. Ah, self-deluded fantasies; trying to get back into one perpetuated a week's worth of blogs. And then I went to the bar... and it got better, I hope.

Pre-emptive Apology, not at all aimed at Jesse:
And that’s pretty much the limit of my intelligent thoughts at the moment. By-the-by, today commences the week from hell. Too many projects, too much reading, too many problem sets, too many midterms. So I apologize in advance if I slack on the blog this week. If I blog a lot this week, it’s a very BAD thing.
8:54PM

2001-09-30T03:34:00.000-04:00

Bad night, but it could have been a lot worse.

2001-09-29T18:51:00.000-04:00

6:26PM EDT
m Attempts Psychology:
Well the bars were actually very good. Well besides the drunks and the spillage and the cigarette smoke and the crowds. I mean, the only reason I went down there in the first place was to see alum. I think I finally put together why I feel like things have changed at Colgate so much. It just seems that I am much closer with my alumni friends. Now I need to clarify the definition of closer. Since most of my alumni friends are from the Colgate drinking culture, namingly Phi Tau, they’ve gotten much more comfortable with crowds. They also tend to not have personal space bubbles. Therefore, I walk into this bar and immediately have all these alum hugging me. Generally when I have one-on-one conversations with this group they are typically in very close physical proximity. And everyone is comfortable with that. I think it improves conversation (before you get completely hammered). When you have a conversation in closer proximately to someone you understand their body language and therefore what they are saying better. Personally, I notice people’s eye moments more and pick up on their mood, subconsciously usually. But also there is a lot less value on physical contact, in terms of people not overanalyzing “what it means” if someone puts their arm around you during a conversation. This is not to say that I these are the only people that I’ve had good conversations, on the contrary. My current, same age/younger friends, have been those with whom I have had more significant and meaningful conversations. It’s just that they have a different tone to them. I mean my friends that are still in Colgate and my alumni friends are typically from two different categories, with the alum being drinking/Tau culture and the current ones complete independents/band-tech geeks. I don’t know if that is what’s spurned this difference that I’m noticing. It could be a semi-generational thing, or even who Colgate is admitting. It could also be that the person I was my freshman year and therefore the friends I made then is completely different from who I am now and therefore who I have made friends with recently.

I don’t know if this made any sense. I don’t know if anyone else would see this as a significant difference. It’s not that I value either group more…. In fact I am so much more impressed with the level of depth of my friends that are still in Colgate. However I do miss some of that atmosphere and closeness I have with my alumni friends.

And they are still changing too… which means, maybe I’m picking up on a maturity thing. One of my friends who was shy and reserve pretty much right until he graduated shows up on my door drunk and chatty at 4 in the morning; weird, but good.

I think I needed this perspective observation.

Now to beer die… and back to normal Colgate life on Sunday.
6:46PM

2001-09-28T23:09:00.000-04:00

10:14PM EDT
I am attempting to mentally prepare myself for the bar. Many have been puzzled when I say this, but seeing how my week went, mental preparation is necessary. I will probably get into this more later, but lately people have just been confusing and frustrating me. Those who know me will say that I am a very driven person, but lately that seems to have come to my disadvantage. And for once I’m having problems putting my thoughts into words. I’m feeling so much and so little right now.

Let me start again: I’m having a black and white day at the moment. I’m rationalizing and viewing the world in black and white at the moment. I even have the desire to sketch. Another sign of the apocalypse. Typically, I understand life through color. Soft gray rain, torrential white/silver streaking rain.

It’s ephemeral at the moment. And even She’s wrapping me in damp cold. I badly want to go to bed at the moment; that’s the only place where I’m truly encompassed in warmth. This space is so empty, emptier than before.

Often I wish that people were as honest and forthright with their thoughts in real life as they are in their blogs. This format provides a self-fulfilling intimacy. Of course I’m not talking sexual intimacy, rather interpersonal intimacy; intimacy that occurs when the soul is unrestricted. It’s that connection you get in a one on one conversation with someone, and although blogging isn’t truly one on one, sometimes it feels like that. Perhaps that’s why I’ve gotten so addicted to blogging. I know what I want and I go for it; and unlike people, I can’t scare Blogger away. At the moment it seems that anyone who I have been remotely close to achieving a face-to-face honest friendship with I’ve scared off by my eagerness to be in their presence. This is complete jibberish, I bet. It’s just so rare that I’m able to get into deep, significant, personal conversations with people, that when I find it, I’m drawn to it. I’m so starved for depth. That’s part of the reason I’m so eager to get out of here in 233 days. Maybe people will have more time for depth once I get out of an academic situation. But I’m beginning to think that it will be the same old bullshit, and the people surrounding me will never be more intelligent than they are here. I’m secure, but also very much alone. I want the means in which to express my humanity, and debate it. I want to be real, publicly. I want to not need to put on a cheery attitude so that I don’t scare people away, cause no one likes a sad person. It’s not that I’m sad, it’s just that reality and depth don’t typically have high enough energy to keep people’s attention. Okay, that makes no sense?

Maybe I’ll make more sense of this in a later post. There’s just so much going though my mind at the moment that can’t be expressed in words, well written words at least.

Well now to the bars. Commence cheery mask. Being with drunks I guess is a lesser evil than being trapped alone inside my shell, deafened by my own thoughts echoing.
11:04PM

2001-09-25T00:39:00.000-04:00

12:37AM EDT
I feel so high school.

2001-09-24T22:29:00.000-04:00

10:20PM EDT
It's been a few great days, ignoring the fact that I'm too distracted to get any significant work done. I might have to resort to locking myself in Case Library (which I haven't set foot in for over a year). I re-read some of the Bhagavad-Gita today (very standard Hindu "text"). I would have probably been much better as a P&R major. I understand the stuff so much more than this Shakespeare overanalyization crap and enjoy it much more than phyics. But I guess that's what hobbies are for. And I still got no actual work done.

Shutting Up Now:
I think I really do talk too much. The blog is good because people can just turn me off, but generally I definitely talk too much. I need to listen a lot more. There are finally people around me saying things that are extremely intelligent and stimulating, but I need to listen a lot more. I'm a gemini dammit, it's in my chart to talk too much. Now for frisbee in the flash flood.

A lot of unusual combinations and interesting things are falling into place.

But not knowing is frustrating and taps the insecurities.
10:27PM

2001-09-24T18:12:00.000-04:00

5:57PM
Wonderful Wind:
Wonderful weather today, especially early around lunchtime. There was this wonderful southerly at about a rather steady 15-20 knots. It wasn’t warm nor was it cold, it’s wasn’t dry nor was it damp… just right. That fresh energizing feeling of just getting out of the shower. There was power in it, but not that “I’m a storm about to roll on in here will all guns blazing.” It was more of a quiet contentment of change. Now it’s raining. The quality of the light in the air is just peaceful, but not a complacent peaceful nor charged. Just right. Mother nature’s slightly sad today. She’s crying, it’s not a cry of desperation or frustration but resolution. I dunno? Maybe I’m just being overdramatic/metaphorical today. And there’s a flash flood warning, which means that the conditions are right for ultimate Frisbee later, and I’m ready for it!

La la la:
I’ve decided that there shall be no watching sappy movies on TNT today, so I’ve moved on to sappy music. I decided that I needed to sing, a lot. And all the music that is good to sing is rather sappy, female singers. Despite harassment via AIM from housemates (who shouldn’t be tempting the wrath) , it’s been good. Internal playlist at the moment: Jessica Andrew’s Who I Am (acoustic), Heather Nova’s London Rain, and Lisa Loeb’s Truthfully. I can’t get these out of my head even when I shut the music off, and I don’t think I want to.

Dinner, more later.
6:10PM

2001-09-24T09:05:00.000-04:00

8:40AM EDT
Jailbait and Senior Citizens:
This was one hell of a weird weekend. First of all it was parents’ weekend and even though my parents weren’t up it disrupts the order of the cosmos. Like one of my friends said: “It’s the apocalypse: the entire campus was up at 9am on a Saturday!” But this parents’ weekend takes the cake for weirdness. I had a friend’s little brother hit on me on Saturday. Then yesterday our director grabbed my ass backstage. Therefore I went from jailbait to senior citizen in under 24 hours. Ew. I know I said I wanted to get closer to people but I was assuming the 18-29 year age range was implied. Come on, work with me people!

Good weekend:
On the flip side of things, this weekend was pretty damn good, if you ignore the fact that I got no homework done and will probably be in serious trouble this week. But it might have been worth it. I had the wonderful opportunity to have one of those discussions. It wasn’t really a meaning-of-life discussion, but the same depth, and that’s what I’ve been craving and missing. And these types of conversations tend to have more impact on me one to one. It just hasn’t happened in a very long time. I am very happy though that Colgate is able to keep admitting a few cool people amongst the herds of irresponsible drunkards and that I’m still able to find those cool underclassmen.

And this space feels at little less empty, maybe.

I have a lot of other things on my mind at the moment. Unfortunately they’re getting in the way of my schoolwork. Possibilities are distracting, the possibility of fruition even more so. But I am SO willing to work through that. There’s so much at this moment that I want to blog, but won’t, being torn between it being too personal/volatile and me not owning the correct words to properly verbalize it.

I miss my dog, my adorable no-so-little Dalmatian puppy. I miss hugging him when I feel a little blue. Sappy movies make that feeling worse.
9:00AM

2001-09-23T03:51:00.000-04:00

Weird day. But generally very good. Very out of the ordinary.

Sometimes I just wish I could read peoples' minds.

2001-09-22T15:04:00.000-04:00

2:22PM EDT
Happy Equinox!

Mundane:
Finally I got the links inside my blogs to work, but this funky blogger html is confusing me.
Cleaning/vacuuming done, m fed, ASM prep work done, transcripts requested, bills paid, Wilbur watered, beer bottles washed, blog fixed. I haven’t decided if I’ve been really productive this morning or creatively procrastinating. You decide.

Two Rants: (Ignore if you’re not a Colgate student)
1. The new UPS electronic system at the coop. Has anyone else noticed that the package line is exponentially longer now. Further, when webmail went down with the Nimda virus this week, email notifications weren’t sent out and there were not paper slips in your mailbox anymore. They held my contacts hostage for four days! And this is painful mind you seeing that I had to make 2 week disposable contacts last 7.4 weeks. But nonetheless, it takes the mailroom people five minutes per package to figure out how to use the little digital signing machine. Just let me sign the clipboard like before!

2. Dammit, I forgot. And I had three rants to begin with too. No worries, I’m sure I’ll remember sometime. Oh yeah: Sushi at the coop. You know the “good to go” section. There are some things they just shouldn’t attempt; Sushi is one of them. And bring back by turkey clubs!

Sacredness:
Religion majors are cool. There is just something about taking religion courses that opens your eyes to the world. Unfortunately I am not a religion major {grumbles about f*cking physics} but I did burn my electives this summer and took a few religion courses at BU this summer. I am kicking myself for having not brought my eastern religion books out to school with me, for I have an overwhelming urge to re-read the Bhagavad-Gita at the moment. But this is why I have religion major friends. And I stumbled into a friend last night who is a prospective religion major. Good conversation ensued. I enjoy discussing religion, MOST of the time. (one day I have to start telling my bible thumpers stories) Anyways my night rocked: show went swimmingly, still saw Wood’s Tea, beer, good friends, good convo! Why am I telling you this? Because an idea came up that has been cooking in my head for the last 12 hours.

Yes, I’m getting to the point….

So sacredness: The context is discussing the implications of doctrine and lack of doctrine in Western and Eastern religions respectively. What came out of that was that only nature is sacred. At first I agreed with this without reservation, but it was late. I think the concept cooked in my head overnight. Come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve ever really contemplated what is sacred through my eyes. I have done a lot of introspection into my own spirituality over the past three years or so, but I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and thought about sacredness. Keep in mind that this is a perspective that has fully matured in my mind yet, nonetheless, I’m beginning to think that the original statement that only nature is sacred needs amending.

Is all nature sacred? What do we mean by nature. Can that be termed as virgin land/space, or do gardens or other man-sculpted landscaping qualify? Or are we talking about nature in the sense of a governing force over the world/universe in which we live? Does this nature include man? On the flip side: is something that has been polluted or otherwise spoiled by man unable to be sacred? Does man’s presence simply negate this sacred quality or does it depend on the intent of the man?

I think I have many more questions than answers to this thought problem. I am, however, leaning towards defining nature (if it even should be defined) as the governing force. The string that holds everything together. That defines the laws of physics and creates phenonmenon. That provides both order, as is the case recently, disorder amongst the mundane. That ineffable concept that makes this work/happen/be. I think that it’s partially this ineffability that helps make nature sacred. Hmmm…. Feel free to chime in here.

So this leads me to the next question (even though I haven’t answered the first): how well can we understand sacredness? Does understanding it negate it? Can it be comprehended, or is it more like Schroedinger’s cat.

Appropriate concept to ponder on the equinox.
2:59PM

2001-09-21T00:36:00.000-04:00

12:26AM EDT
Jesse's blog got me thinking:
I've jumped on the denial band wagon. I've stopped watching the news. At the moment I'm thinking that I'll deal with it when war does break out. … Actually, come to think of it, I believe I need to investigate more about this perspective. But too tired right now, production week does that to ya. I shall ponder and get around to it soon. Yes, there will be more blogs of depth from me, once the quota of sleep has been attained that is.

Perplexing issue of the moment: does anyone know how to get my links, inside my blogs to work. My coding is failing me! (I think the div class thing might be messing me up)
12:33AM

2001-09-20T00:44:00.000-04:00

12:33AM EDT
Too tired to be Cohesive:
Okay so the paper didn’t get done. I decided sleep was more important. I think it was a wise choice. I’ll write the paper for next week instead. The important part is that I’m still sane… the paper might have changed that.

Sleep was good, even though I’ve felt rather funky today from a combination of still being somewhat drained from the past week or so and some food issues. Yet again this year I’ve managed to find coop food that makes me violently ill. I’m beginning to think that “good to go” has another meaning. Then there was dinner, I’m just not gonna go there.

Another random tidbit: never let your stage manager drink two cans of Mt. Dew right before tech. He skitzed. Very bad idea.

Yes I am especially boring today. Maybe I’ll have more insight tomorrow. Maybe I’m still digesting what some people have said in their blogs. But what is guaranteed is that I will have more reading. Strangely enough it feels like the “normal” routine is back, yet it’s not. I’m not making any sense. Did I also mention that 6 weeks is a little much to push 2 week disposable contacts? I need sleep now.

Looking forward: is there anything interesting going on this weekend?
12:39PM EDT

2001-09-19T00:14:00.000-04:00

12:05AM EDT
Revenge of the Dew:
Okay, so I’m beginning to get somewhat productive. Probably most productive action today (other than blogging of course) was to redeem my Tops Raincheck for 5 cheap cases of diet Mt. Dew. Man do I love that shit! It eats my intestines from the inside out but I love it. It definitely can substitute for other sustenance… well almost. I told myself I wasn’t having dinner until I finished half of my problem set, which took considerable longer than I expected. So when I stood up to get dinner at around 10pm, and nearly fainting due to lack of blood sugar, I realized that I have been running on Mt. Dew for the last several hours. Sweet. So if I can manage to keep drinking the shit without overdosing I have a shot of getting this paper done tonight. Only half a problem left on the problem set. If I’m ambitious I might actually do the reading for econ too.

Did I mention that Mt. Dew is a substitute for sleep? Well it is.
12:10AM

2001-09-18T17:59:00.000-04:00

4:17PM EDT
An Article of Resolution, work in progress:
Okay, after much debate this afternoon (translation: I’ve only written three sentences for THE paper) I have decided that I really don’t want to turn my emotions off again… maybe just down a bit. I think this whole thing is a wake up call for me. Something has changed inside me. Maybe changed isn’t the right word: more like awakened. Yeah awakened. I’m again starting to feel the strength of emotional that I used to feel 6 years ago or so before I switched into serious student mode. Only now I’m armed with more experience, ability to apply intelligence and a higher IQ. So I think I’m better prepared to deal with whatever emotion my soul wants to throw out at me.

This is not to say I was ever unemotional. Did I just make up that word? I think recently that my emotion has manifested itself as passion. Any of you who really know me understand that I am a rather driven (though occasionally not focused), determined, involved person. I really do put myself into *most* things that I do. Notice “things” that I do. The more I think about it the more I realize that I’ve had very few fulfilling interpersonal relationships recently. I’ve often been the dominant one, occasionally the follower. I can only think of one friendship that I’ve truly been an equal in: my closest friend back home and I have a unique relationship. She kicks my ass and I kick hers, I lift her up and she lifts me. There’s no bullshit, just pure honesty. We exchange our I-told-you-sos. No barriers.

Nonetheless I haven’t gotten that close to people at Colgate. Three fucking years… that’s sad. Not to say that I don’t know a lot of wonderful people on campus, I’ve just haven’t had the opportunity to get close to them. And I’m beginning to think that it’s because I’m not putting myself out there, emotionally especially. And my genius idea of hermitting (I KNOW I made that word up) myself in my room for 243 more days, playing an academic machine, albeit a rather broken one, is probably one of my worst. It was a band-aid solution to the events of last year. A band-aid that would hurt like a bitch to rip off if I left in on til May 19th. So let’s not do that, shall we? I need to put myself out there more. I can’t let past bad experiences, with friends taking advantage of me color, future friendships. From those experiences I think I have the knowledge to advert future disaster. I know the warning signs.

Oxymoron:
So is this how I get rid of this oxymoron that has resided within me for the last week: overflowing emptiness? I think I might have figured out the what, but not the how. We all have such little time. I almost feel like I’ve lost my opportunity. I don’t know, maybe that’s what has made me blog so much recently. It’s my first step in reaching out. Testing the waters. See if the world can handle me (aren’t I conceited). More importantly, see if I can handle myself. … No, nix that, I know I can handle my self. Rather I have to prove to myself that I can outwardly show more of my emotional side than just the stress. No not prove: re-acclimate. Come to think of it that’s probably the most of my emotion most Colgate students have seen. They’ve seen me frazzled; they might have even seen me crack ever now and again. The more I think about it maybe caging the rest of soul up so tightly contributed to the cracks. Maybe if I own up to my emotions, my hopes and desires and fears, things will run a lot smoother.

Claustrophobia:
I need to let myself out and let others in. I don’t think I realized how much I was shutting people out. Not in a shy sense, but as in the depth of my personality. If that makes any sense? (My self-deprecating side chimes in here: This is all assuming some cares!) I don’t think I realized this til I started getting claustrophobic. It’s come on slowly over the past year. Going from being a rather immodest person, to heightened sense of space, craving silence and open land, dislike of crowds, to a near panic attack/hyper ventilation in the Kruschev lecture yesterday. It took yesterday for me to realize that. Situation recognized and gone. I am bursting my bubble of personal space… hopefully. I need to let myself so that I’m not walled in so much that people can violate my walls. Is this rational? Does it make sense?

Sudden Recollection:
The ironic thing is that someone told me this three years ago and I recognized that I was building wall. Well maybe I only realized that I was building walls around myself when it came to romantic relationships. And for a while I was working to deconstruct the walls brick by brick. It’s a matter of trust. And I was succeeding for a while. But I think I just completely for got about that. And this was something that came from a friend at school I had only know for a week. He saw enough about my personality in one frigin’ week to see that. Damn that was a spiritual experience for me, which is amazing seeing that I didn’t have a sense of spirituality three years ago. Therefore I need to reaffirm one of my favorite quotes: “This is a soul battle and there's really no opponent except the one in the mirror." - Kristo

Damn that memory just rushed back to me so strongly, it was almost violent. See this is the emotion I’ve missed, bottling it up for so long. Wow!!!!!!!

Balance, resolution and action:
But there is also a balance, a rather delicate balance between completely opening the value on my emotions and shunting them off. This balance exists between being human and being productive enough to graduate. There’s also the issue of balancing my intellect with my emotion. Right now I might be over intellectualizing things just a bit. Therefore I need to just do it. I have some direction just do it. Just like with my paper, I have a thesis, so I should just start fucking writing.

Momentum:
So as one of my friends left as an away message today, and I’m paraphrasing: “When life kicks you in the ass, you got to know how to run with the momentum.” That pretty much sums it up. I have been kicked in the ass recently, by the world around me and by the backlash of my own suppression. Now do it.

Blessed:
Part of me needs to say that I really didn’t deserve to write the above two pages. I’m almost guilty and feeling selfish that I did. And here comes the purpose of our blogs. Something an acquaintance of mine said hit home to this topic.

"My problems are interpersonal, and they seem so trivial. Since when do I have any right to be upset with myself? But, also, I know that everyone deserves to fell better, no matter how trivial my problems may seem in light of everything I've seen and heard in the last week.”

I am able to intellectually understand this statement. And I agree with it, especially since it should make me feel better. But it doesn’t sink in emotionally. I still feel guilty. I know that I am very blessed. Blessed, not only in the sense of the events of the past week, but overall. I don’t have any financial crisis at the moment (just attempting to avoid being on food stamps next year). And my issues are definitely small potatoes compared to those of some of my friends and acquaintances and of people I haven’t even met. So part of me wants to say I shouldn’t be complaining; I shouldn’t be blogging. But I think it’s good therapy for me. I don’t have any other sounding boards at the moment so I guess it will have to be a server.

Does anyone out there, who knows me or not, have any insight on this? No biggie, I just wanna know if you think that I might be bull-shitting myself of being over optimistic.

To do.
5:54PM

2001-09-18T09:36:00.000-04:00

9:28AM EDT
Brain freeze:
Okay, so I got absofuckinglutely nothing done last night. Why am I completely incapable of turning my emotions back off. I really want to and really don’t at the same time. There is so much I need/want to get out of my head at the moment and at the same time such a void to fill. Yet I still have a part of me that just wants it all to stop: brain freeze. Shut down at least the emotional part, so that I can unfreeze the part of my brain that keeps me from failing out of school.

And this room is so empty.
9:31AM

PS: Is there anyone actually reading this? Just curious.

2001-09-17T22:35:00.000-04:00

10:17PM
A brief rant:
Someone I respect just called me an “it,” as in asexual. One of my housemates is now referring to me as the asexual techie. Lovely, just fucking lovely! Don’t get me going on the whole self-esteem/confidence thing at the moment.

I think I’m getting addicted to blog… I mean my electronic journal has been rather regular, but something about the power of putting myself on the line. Power, yet humbling at the same time. I have a list of topics now that I want to talk about. But I really need to write a paper and finish a problem set, so you (assuming anyone is reading this) will have to wait.

So, there we go. I’m not longer considered a member of the female gender. I shall determine how to get my email address {mspeak@hotmail.com} into the template and then work. Maybe.

I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate. I will not procrastinate.
10:25PM

2001-09-17T14:23:00.000-04:00

Just added reblogger and a counter. My coding is slowing coming back to me.

2001-09-17T13:36:00.000-04:00

1:09PM EDT
Ramblings of the Introspective Alarmist:
Sitting in econ today the subject of an individual’s power hit me like a ton of bricks. We were talking about how the market took a noise dive in the first half hour of trading, just as our sterile laws of supply and demand told us it would. Then it sunk in: holy fucking shit (a phrase that I’ve actually had a justifiable foundation to use in a plethora of situations recently), a group of under 40 people (on the high side) have managed to affect the entire world at a massive, incomprehensible magnitude. I don’t even think our President, leader of THE fucking world superpower could do a single act that affected the world as much. (Although he will probably try, now won’t he… and the resultant will most likely not be anything we want to see.)

Then I started pondering the power of an individual. I mean do any of us “little people,” a.k.a. average citizens, really have the power to do anything. Our greatest affects are those relating to our interpersonal relationships. And is that really all that great of an effect. I mean people around me are talking about how they think that they are making the lives’ of those around them horrible. Is this even possible? I mean, in the context of the bigger picture. The counterargument for this is the “butterfly takes flight” story: you know the one. The butterfly kicks up pollen that makes a deer sneeze, starting a group of deer running, stirring up dust, with creates a medium for water in the atmosphere to condense on, which in tern creates a storm that turns into a hurricane which batters the shit out of some coastal community somewhere. But I don’t know if this counter argument works.

Can we really affect people in this manner? Or is the real power only held by the fucking “genius” lunatics of the world. Does it even matter?

Part of me wants to say that a single individual can hold a tremendous amount of power over another given the right circumstances… shit, it’s happened to me (unfortunately on the bad end of things) twice in the last year. But were those instances really significant in the big picture, or are they just trees for the forest. People are fucking resilient when you get right down to it. Can the ill effects we think we have on people, on the ones imposed on us… do they all just come out in the wash when we take a step back and realize what’s important.

In this time of realizing our unity as Colgate students, New Yorkers, American, and humans, what now defines this concept of “importance”?

Songs on the brain: Indigo Girls, Leeds; various Tracy Chapman
Writings on the brain: Willie’s Taming of the Shrew and Economics
Thought to ponder for the day: If you’ve never really had something, can you miss it?

Now back to my “insignificant” Shakespeare paper. Well maybe investigating how manipulating someone can make things better isn’t all that insignificant. Nonetheless, 3 posts in 24 hours, with no sense of tiring of it… I’m fucking sick.

Tempted to run.
1:31PM

2001-09-17T09:02:00.000-04:00

8:59AM EDT
I just reply to an email a friend in Boston sent me... it seems prudent to my blog.
{{
As for New York, I have luckily been able to contact all my really close friends in the area... even those that live within the 6 block radius of the WTC. But we are all bracing ourselves for when the list comes out. Half of our physics majors become investment bankers and most of the theatre grads go to the city too. It's just a matter of time till I find someone who TAed me freshman year on the list. We already know there was alum on one of the planes. But sadly enough, that's not my biggest fear. I'm more afraid that a full fledge fucking war is gonna break out in the coming months. I'm more concerned about my friends in the military and reserves who are fine now, but might not be soon. I'm worried about those around me and the possiblity of a draft if the US decides to go out there and be a fucking cop to the world. Canada anyone? But I digress. I agree, the whole concept just sucks your mind and thoughts in and doesn't let go.

Other than that it's rather busy, we have a show that opens Thursday and between know and then I have a paper, a problem set and a pile of reading. But other wise life is pretty good, I mean as good as it can be all things considered. Which is pretty sucky at the moment.

Okay, I'm not the most optimistic person at the moment... I tend to be somewhat of an alarmist. But that's pretty much it... anything else that is going on is pretty much overshadowed at the moment. Hopefully someday soon I'll be able to write you a happier email.
}}

I just fucking bloged into an email. Damn.
9:00AM EDT

2001-09-16T22:43:00.000-04:00

9:45PM EDT
Well I think you all have drawn me in. We shall see how consistently I am able to maintain a blog… just keep in mind I haven’t been very good a paper journal recently.

First some disclaimers:
I have my own “creative” way of using the English language, I make up words, I use words incorrectly because I like the shape of the word or sound of the combination of vowels it presents, and to top it all off, I’m from Boston. Thus the title of this blog: m speak. It is it’s own language. Further, I tend to have a rather foul mouth when I get emphatic about something… deal with it. I’m usually a rather cheery person, but lacking other rant sinks, it’s bound to end up in this blog.

Another disclaimer:
This whole open-to-public-web-log thing is weird to me. Those of you who know me know that I am by no means a shy person. I am, however, rather guarded when it comes to the inner works of my mind and soul. I greatly admire those of you who left so much out in this format; I honestly don’t know if I’m ready for that, especially in a period of time where I have to be extremely careful about what I say and in which company. Maybe I’m hoping that this will help me dissolve some of the walls that personal politics have forced me to build around my psyche, but in all honesty, I really don’t know why I’m doing this!

Down to Business:
I spent way too much time today reading other people’s blogs. I don’t know why, I just felt the need to, although I really should be doing work. Nonetheless, I’ve been in a rather weird mood recently. After my run in with Mark, Alex and Sue, who represent an archetype in my life (which I will probably often refer to as MAS) I’m feeling rather brainwashed into a sort of academic, inhuman machine. T-245 days, but is it worth it? Contemplating my own ends-justifying-means scenario. I know I just need to do what I’ve got to do, but I’m beginning to doubt my ability to turn parts of my soul off and on. Especially the “on-again” part. I mean, will I still be the same person in 245 days.

I’ve been rock solid for the last 4 months, but somehow the events of the week have forced me into being human again. For the first time in my life I am scared shitless about something going on 100% outside of my own head (which I will probably explain in a later post). I mean, I actually cried this week. And not just a little stress crack-out cry. But after the candlelight vigil, I looked around and realized how much I’ve withdrawn myself from this campus. Withdrawn from close friends and walled up against letting others in. And there was now one that I identified with whose shoulder I could cried on. This just billowed the upwelling fear. Thankfully there were a few acquaintances there, but refection on the week has made me wonder. It makes me realized that what academia (especially this sciences) is all about doesn’t really matter in the bigger picture, especially at the cost of interpersonal relationships that define what it means to be alive. Back to square one. Rewind 1 year.

Whatever happened to those long conversations with a friend(s) about the meaning of life. The last good one I remember was in junior high. Now all I seem to be doing is playing psychologist, or worse, patient. I’m not saying that all conversations should be cheery, but what about those moments when you can confront the pain of your mutual emotions, yet still be hypnotized by the flicker of the soul’s energetic spark. I want to discuss everyday fears, hopes and dreams, and get to know the color of people’s souls. 10 years after those fireside, junior high “meaning of life” debates, the closest I get is faceless bloggers. And from some of what I’m reading this feeling of a caged soul’s isolation is not unique unto me.

So about three hours of reading blogs and staring at the wall, thinking. (compared to the days of sitting by the window this week, thinking) And the most ironic thing is that MAS has got me thinking in terms of opportunity cost. People’s blogs evidence that we’re all a little troubled deep down. It scares me that I’m scared. Afraid that reaching out and being more open will have the same negative effects that the MD club had on me. Scared of getting involved, guilty about imposing. Shut door, hole in, block out. Therefore, because of this fear, MAS has me living in the realm of superficiality. And if that’s what I wanted out of my social “education” at college I’d have joined a sorority.

Balance. So where is it. Does it exist between this world of stressful academics (that I’m starting to REALLY not care about) and being human.

Where do I get on the scale?
10:35PM